[Disclaimer: The following content contains personal experiences related to lactation after loss. Reading others experiences can be helpful for your grieving process but may also cause difficult emotions to arise. Please take a moment to reflect if reading about other’s experiences would be beneficial for you at this time. Please reach out for support when needed by either connecting to family and friends, or by dialing 211 and inquiring about supports in your community.]
When your milk comes in after your baby has died, it is often an unexpected shock. Whether or not you were planning to breastfeed your baby, this may feel like one more thing that is happening to you over which you have no control. You may produce milk if you lost your baby as early as 16 weeks gestation. How much milk you make is dependent upon your individual body, breast stimulation, and the grieving process. Although the average time for milk to come in is 2 to 3 days after birth, the grieving process can delay that by several days.
- When your milk comes in you may experience quite a range of emotions, from sadness to bitterness and extreme anger:
“I had to wear breast pads for 4 weeks. I leaked all over. I thought about my friend who didn’t have enough milk for her baby and I had all this milk and my baby was dead. I thought, when will this ever end?” (Debbie)
- Part of grieving is having opposite feelings at the same time:
“When my milk came in, I thought, what is the matter with my body – doesn’t it know my baby is dead? When I was engorged, I wished it would go away and stop torturing me. When it went away in only 3 days, I was furious it gave up so easily.” (Linda)
- When you are grieving, you may have fears that you think are silly, but you can’t stop thinking about them:
“I was afraid all the milk lumps would permanently clog my breasts and if I ever had another baby I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed her.” (Diane)
- While many women cannot bear the thought of having milk and no baby, others want their milk to come in:
“My only baby died – I wanted my milk to come in. I didn’t want to do anything to stop it. I wanted as much of the full mothering experience as I could have – even if I could never breastfeed him.” (Erin)
“I was glad it was painful – I hurt so bad on the inside and I wanted people to see that it hurt on the outside, too.” (Kathleen)
- For a long time after your baby has died, you may think, dream, or feel things that you think are “crazy.” This is a normal part of grieving:
“My breasts tingle like my milk is coming down and I look down and there’s nothing there.” (Jackie)
“I wake up at night to nurse the baby – I hear her crying – and she’s not here” (Kim).
This section is a direct quote from a paper published by lactation consultant, Linda Pugmire, in 1999. Linda collected comments made by mothers regarding the emotional experience of lactation after a loss.
Pugmire, L. (1999). Consulting with the bereaved mother. Journal of Human Lactation, 15(1), 49-53.
